We are all starting to get really excited about meeting the baby. The boys talk about him all the time. I've switched into hunter/gatherer mode, trying to collect all the things (baby and otherwise) that we'll need once he arrives (including Ziplock bags and brown sugar and other send-to-Ukraine necessities). Since we live in a trailer, we can't stock up too terribly much, but I'm doing the best I can with the space we have.
Sometimes my excitement scares me. I catch myself longing to snuggle the baby, and then I remind myself that snuggling the baby is not a foregone conclusion. Ah, the burden of pregnancy loss. I'd love to shed it. But, it's a true part of our history, and it seems most honest to live with the reality of our experiences and the emotions they bring, even when they're difficult.
When we decided to try again to get pregnant, I had this grand idea that we'd have a smooth, joy-filled pregnancy, which would somehow redeem the hard experiences. Of course, I didn't think I'd forget those lost babies (nor do I want to), but I thought that I'd have the faith to have a fearless pregnancy. And while I am so, so thankful that I mostly don't live in fear, it's still there, creeping in around the edges, wanting to steal my joy. As Lucinda says, "You've got no right to take my joy, I want it back."
Even Dietrich carries the burden, frequently following his statements about when the baby's born with if he's born. Dietrich, in general, has a hard time handling disappointment. Today, Lev faced a disappointment, and Dietrich suggested that I change the situation so that his brother wouldn't have to feel sad. Which is sweet, but we want our kids to learn to handle disappointment, to ultimately trust God through pain. Thankfully, most childhood disappointments are (long-run) fairly insignificant. (Lev's issue today was not being able to watch the TV show of his choosing.) But we've faced some big disappointments as a family, some big pain, and Dietrich hasn't escaped untouched. Which is sad but, again, our reality.
Eric's about halfway through his visit to Ukraine. This week, he's out of contact other than 10 minutes online each day. He expected that we'd only call his cell in case of emergency, so we really freaked him out when we called to sing Happy Birthday yesterday. We have a lot of birthdays to celebrate once he gets back -- his 40th, plus my 37th and Dietrich's 7th. And another as-yet unknown August or September (probably September, but oh how I hope for August) birthday when the baby's born.
4 comments:
Perfectly understandable... the hesitation you're living with, and at the same time - high hopes!
We are with you in prayer. Thanks for keeping us updated.
much love from us!
I get so excited every time I see a new post.As Bonnie said,you're feelings are understandable but each passing day gets you closer.I believe all will be well. Much love, Aunt Judy
As I read your post I remembered so much of our conversation here in Madrid. The loss of a baby not only takes the baby, but also trades many of the exciting moments of pregnancy for unknowns and apprehension. Glad to hear you are safe to process those thoughts and you are aware of how the loss impacts the rest of the family. Praying for a safe delivery, but before then, praying for moments of excitement without hesitant thoughts.
a number of men from the SEND team sang the happy birthday song that's in the form of a funeral dirge to me on wednesday. after getting over the scare of the phone call from you and the boys, it was beautiful and wonderful to hear your happy and beloved voices singing to me. no offense to the SEND guys, but i much preferred you guys to them. all singing aside, it was wonderful to be around so many people who are prayerfully hoping for our baby to make it.
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