36 weeks

Things I learned at my appointment this week:

• Baby is about 5 pounds, 11 ounces.
• My doctor won't let me go past my due date.

I'm a little bit freaking out about that second one. I've had two full-term births: one induced, one not. Guess which one was 1,000 times easier? There is one upside to induction: We can avoid having the baby on Dietrich's birthday. (Baby's due Sept. 11; Dietrich was born Sept. 12, so we'd induce on Sept. 10.)

The doctor said in the case of problem pregnancies, he sees no benefit to keeping the baby in past its due date. Better to get him out while he's still alive, basically. And, yes, that's certainly the goal. But I still need to wrap my mind around it.

OR (and this is the far better alternative), I need this baby to come early. Come on, baby. You can do it! (Just not before Tuesday, since Eric gets back Monday night.)

In other news, this is the best kind of laundry:

35 weeks

Holy smokes! Thirty-five weeks! The baby looked great at our weekly date, though he was a little slower to complete his eight-part test this time around. I think the doctor and I were talking too much. He doesn't move much when there are sounds around.

We are all starting to get really excited about meeting the baby. The boys talk about him all the time. I've switched into hunter/gatherer mode, trying to collect all the things (baby and otherwise) that we'll need once he arrives (including Ziplock bags and brown sugar and other send-to-Ukraine necessities). Since we live in a trailer, we can't stock up too terribly much, but I'm doing the best I can with the space we have.

Sometimes my excitement scares me. I catch myself longing to snuggle the baby, and then I remind myself that snuggling the baby is not a foregone conclusion. Ah, the burden of pregnancy loss. I'd love to shed it. But, it's a true part of our history, and it seems most honest to live with the reality of our experiences and the emotions they bring, even when they're difficult.

When we decided to try again to get pregnant, I had this grand idea that we'd have a smooth, joy-filled pregnancy, which would somehow redeem the hard experiences. Of course, I didn't think I'd forget those lost babies (nor do I want to), but I thought that I'd have the faith to have a fearless pregnancy. And while I am so, so thankful that I mostly don't live in fear, it's still there, creeping in around the edges, wanting to steal my joy. As Lucinda says, "You've got no right to take my joy, I want it back."

Even Dietrich carries the burden, frequently following his statements about when the baby's born with if he's born. Dietrich, in general, has a hard time handling disappointment. Today, Lev faced a disappointment, and Dietrich suggested that I change the situation so that his brother wouldn't have to feel sad. Which is sweet, but we want our kids to learn to handle disappointment, to ultimately trust God through pain. Thankfully, most childhood disappointments are (long-run) fairly insignificant. (Lev's issue today was not being able to watch the TV show of his choosing.) But we've faced some big disappointments as a family, some big pain, and Dietrich hasn't escaped untouched. Which is sad but, again, our reality.

Eric's about halfway through his visit to Ukraine. This week, he's out of contact other than 10 minutes online each day. He expected that we'd only call his cell in case of emergency, so we really freaked him out when we called to sing Happy Birthday yesterday. We have a lot of birthdays to celebrate once he gets back -- his 40th, plus my 37th and Dietrich's 7th. And another as-yet unknown August or September (probably September, but oh how I hope for August) birthday when the baby's born.

34 weeks

I've had two "dates" with our little guy since I last wrote, and both have been totally smooth. He's earned a score of eight out of eight on his "are you healthy baby?" test within five minutes. (If I understand correctly, babies get up to 30 minutes to complete the test.) Clearly, he's a genius!

While Eric was in Michigan last week, I toured the hospital where we plan to deliver. It's a small hospital in the middle of vegetable fields. The drive is so pleasant and takes only 15 minutes. The labor and delivery rooms have recently been remodeled, and they are deceptively lovely, in a hotel room kind of way. (Of course, there's a lot of medical equipment hiding within those shiny dressers.)

The only potential drawback is that we might have to share a room post-delivery. Here's a word problem for you math fans: If a hospital has nine, two-bed rooms and averages 40 deliveries a month, with each delivery averaging a two-night stay, what are the chances I'll have to share a room? 

Eric flew out Tuesday to Ukraine. Unless baby makes an early appearance, he will return Aug. 20. He's going to our team's annual conference next week and having meetings and such. He travels a lot, so I was surprised at how emotional I felt when we dropped him off at the airport. I guess I love him like crazy.

Dietrich did Vacation Bible School this week, next week we have a few dates with friends lined up, and the week after that, we're going to start getting our little trailer home ready for baby, so hopefully the days won't pass too slowly, even though my patience is at an all-time low (my poor kids).